Caring for an elderly parent: how to talk to your manager

Why caring for a parent becomes an invisible duty alongside your job

At nine, an employee runs a meeting; at eleven, they take a call from the clinic; in the afternoon, they collect their father from rehabilitation; and in the evening, they catch up on a report. All colleagues see is that they “haven’t had much time lately”. What they don’t see is the second schedule, in which tasks change from one day to the next. Caring for a loved one can be long-term and unpredictable, and the employee doesn’t always want to talk about it in the team. Sometimes they fear being seen as less committed.

Research on supervisor support suggests that how an organisation responds matters for the strain between work and family responsibilities. That does not mean, however, that one flexible schedule will solve every situation. A great deal depends on the nature of the work, staffing levels and the course of the care. So it is worth starting by identifying the real difficulty: is the problem one morning a week, emergencies, business travel or being able to take phone calls? Each of these needs a different solution.

What entitlements employees in Poland have

The Labour Code (Kodeks pracy) provides for five days of carer’s leave per calendar year to give personal care or support to, among others, a mother or father who needs it for serious medical reasons. As a rule, this leave is unpaid. It should not be confused with time off due to force majeure for urgent family matters caused by illness or an accident, when your immediate presence is essential. That time off amounts to two days or sixteen hours a year, with the right to half pay. Each type has its own conditions and application process.

Not every caring need gives an automatic right to remote working or flexible hours. For example, a request for flexible working arrangements under Article 188¹ is tied to raising a child up to the age of eight, not to caring for an elderly parent in general. Other specific entitlements may depend on particular circumstances, such as a family member’s disability. Before relying on a provision, it is worth checking the current legal basis and agreeing the formalities with the HR department, rather than assuming that any request is legally binding.

The first three sentences can make the whole conversation easier

An employee needs to leave at three o’clock on Wednesdays to accompany her mother to rehabilitation. She doesn’t need to open with a lengthy history of the treatment. She could say: “For the next six weeks, I’ll be regularly helping my mum with her medical appointments. I need to finish an hour earlier on Wednesdays. I can start earlier on those days and hand over any ongoing matters to Anna before two.” This gives the context, a specific request and a proposal for keeping the work going.

If her manager replies that Wednesday is the hardest day, that doesn’t yet mean a lack of goodwill. It is worth asking: “Which tasks have to be done at exactly that time? What could we change for the first month?” It is not about proving to the manager that the employee has it harder than others. It is about creating a workable solution. When the situation is urgent, check the relevant statutory entitlements separately, rather than negotiating something the employee is already entitled to on terms set by law.

What a manager should know – and what they don’t need to ask

A good manager can ask about availability, deadlines and how long the adjustment is likely to be needed. They don’t need to know the parent’s diagnosis, test results or the details of treatment. For example, they might say: “I don’t need any medical information. Let’s work out when you can work and how we’ll cover the most important responsibilities.” This approach protects privacy while still allowing tasks to be managed sensibly.

If the employee doesn’t want to disclose the reasons, the manager can still talk about how the work is organised and about any procedures that may be available. They should not, however, promise a solution that cannot be sustained. If the role requires presence at certain hours, it is worth looking together for cover, shift swaps, a temporary change in the scope of duties or formal leave. Information about family matters shared in confidence must be kept to yourself. The rest of the team can be told about the new schedule without revealing the family reasons unless the person concerned agrees.

How to support one person without overloading the whole team

A colleague says: “She’s leaving early again, and we’re stuck here.” The manager should not defend the arrangement by telling everyone about the employee’s mother’s illness. They can reply: “We have an agreed cover plan and we keep track of the workload across the whole team. If you see an uneven split of duties, let’s point to the specific tasks and check how they’re split.” This protects privacy while being fair to others. Support should not mean permanently offloading every problem onto one colleague.

It is worth keeping a simple list of tasks that need cover, deadlines and who is responsible. After a month, it is worth checking whether the plan is working. If someone is constantly taking on extra shifts, what is needed is a change in staffing or priorities, not just an appeal for empathy. At the same time, caring responsibilities should not be treated as evidence of a lack of ambition. The employee may still want to lead an important project if they are given conditions that allow them to balance their responsibilities. They should have a say in the possible solutions.

When the situation changes, revisit the arrangement without guilt

Caring for an older person rarely follows a single, fixed plan. After a few weeks, the number of appointments may fall – or there may be a sudden hospital admission. That is why it is worth agreeing arrangements for a set period and scheduling a review. “Let’s try it for four weeks and then see whether it’s working” is more honest than a promise of open-ended flexibility that was never actually agreed with anyone.

The employee can prepare for the review by answering four questions: which tasks they managed without difficulty, where problems arose, which cover arrangements worked and what they need now. The manager should respond to the same facts. There is no point penalising someone for a change in their family situation, or pretending that every need can be met without limits. A good solution takes into account both what the company can offer and the needs of a person who wants to keep doing their job well while also caring for a loved one.

A conversation about caring for a parent should be about availability, tasks and possible support – not the details of the illness. The employee can put forward a specific proposal, and the manager can work out with them whether it is feasible. It is also worth knowing the separate statutory entitlements and revisiting the arrangement regularly, before the problem turns into an overload for the whole team.

How Empatyzer helps you prepare a conversation with your manager about caring

Someone caring for an elderly parent can tell Em which work responsibilities they need to cover, when they need flexibility and which family information they don’t want to disclose. Em will help them put together a short, specific request and prepare a response to the objection their manager is likely to raise. If the user and their manager both use Empatyzer in the same organisation, the available relationship tips can make it easier to choose arguments and a way to open the conversation – always within the privacy settings. You can also work with Em on your own reactions to guilt, fear of being judged or difficulty setting boundaries. A manager, in turn, can practise a conversation in which they show support while being clear about tasks and cover arrangements. Empatyzer does not set the rota for the company or rule on employee entitlements, but it helps people talk about them without conflict or guesswork. The result can be a specific, workable arrangement that both sides can come back to when caring needs or working conditions change.